this is such a great perspective! so much parenting advice seems designed to make us feel a little bad--increasingly so we'll subscribe/join/otherwise pay to learn more from that very advice-giver!
My uncle asked me if my wife and I were going to have a second child (before we did). I told him I was nervous about making it all work as I felt life was already full with one child.
His advice was more than the words. You know how tone and body language convey so much? That's what I felt from him. He was settled in himself and speaking from experience when he gently said, "these things have a way of working themselves out."
And in that moment, my shoulders, jaw, and eyes all relaxed at once.
To me the advice is so much more about the human being and who they are being when they offer/deliver it. And the timing -- such as when being asked. Or when there is permission of some kind that is explicit.
We do family dinner, but it's never the peaceful affair I hope it will be (which I'm silly to hope for, honestly, my sons are 4 and 2). I give myself permission on the more stressful days to feed them at a different time to the adults, and am always glad of the choice. It's so important to have an 'opt in/opt out' mindset in parenting I think, because you're right, there are so many opinions out there that even if you were to do everything you "should" do, you'd still be getting it wrong in someone's eyes
Just discovered your substack and love your writing, will be subscribing now :)
Wonderful to have you here, Charlotte! Yes ,knowing you always have choices is important. I think we get stuck on the importance of consistency but we can absolutely practice consistency with flexibility.
I love this post Kathryn! It's so true that there is SO MUCH advice out there. And also a lot of great science. But as any good behavioral scientist knows, the studies reflect average trends, not any one person's or family's specific situation or needs. I love any advice that leaves readers with a sense that it's 100% wise to take it all with a grain of salt and figure out whether the advice suits you/your family.
Thank you! Yes, I love the wise voices out there like Emily Oster, Melinda Wenner Moyer, Cara Goodwin and more that emphasize the nuances along with what we know may be helpful. I'll admit that prior to having kids I was probably too strongly attached to the idea that science knew best and that there were very clear "right" choices. I was perhaps unprepared for how the real life translation would actually look or more like flop...but in turn that has only made me more passionate about empowering families to find ways to meet their unique needs.
I am a huge fan of each of those writers for the same reason! Data is so useful, but we need the freedom (and encouragement) to be able to tailor it to our individual circumstances.
The data is correlational but in the above linked article from Cara Goodwin, PhD (Parenting Translator), she has links to some of the papers in the section where she speaks about family dinner as a routine.(She does great summaries and links the papers, which is so helpful) The Family Dinner Project is another resource. As with all correlational findings it becomes hard to isolate what exactly we are seeing benefit from and it's likely there may be other ways to get some of those benefits in other contexts dependent on the constraints of the family. I am glad you enjoyed the article!
I really enjoyed this article! It’s something I’ve totally gotten caught up in. I was raised in a *very* different environment than what we have in the West. So for me at least, I’ve got the inherent understanding that doing things differently isn’t bad and making sure a child feels loved goes a long way (especially in forgiving parenting mistakes). To answer your question though, I think parenting advice feels good when it comes with confirmation bias 😜
You are right, it can feel good to have the feeling of I am right...haha. There are many ways to raise a child and it is helpful to have some perspective on that, what a helpful insight to have in your parenting adventures.
this is such a great perspective! so much parenting advice seems designed to make us feel a little bad--increasingly so we'll subscribe/join/otherwise pay to learn more from that very advice-giver!
Yes! So much of the advice out there is now really a form of marketing. It can be hard to discern what is really helpful or needed.
Love this topic and question, Kathryn!
My uncle asked me if my wife and I were going to have a second child (before we did). I told him I was nervous about making it all work as I felt life was already full with one child.
His advice was more than the words. You know how tone and body language convey so much? That's what I felt from him. He was settled in himself and speaking from experience when he gently said, "these things have a way of working themselves out."
And in that moment, my shoulders, jaw, and eyes all relaxed at once.
To me the advice is so much more about the human being and who they are being when they offer/deliver it. And the timing -- such as when being asked. Or when there is permission of some kind that is explicit.
There is so much in your response about connection to the messenger. So beautiful to have that presence in your parenthood.
We do family dinner, but it's never the peaceful affair I hope it will be (which I'm silly to hope for, honestly, my sons are 4 and 2). I give myself permission on the more stressful days to feed them at a different time to the adults, and am always glad of the choice. It's so important to have an 'opt in/opt out' mindset in parenting I think, because you're right, there are so many opinions out there that even if you were to do everything you "should" do, you'd still be getting it wrong in someone's eyes
Just discovered your substack and love your writing, will be subscribing now :)
Wonderful to have you here, Charlotte! Yes ,knowing you always have choices is important. I think we get stuck on the importance of consistency but we can absolutely practice consistency with flexibility.
I love this post Kathryn! It's so true that there is SO MUCH advice out there. And also a lot of great science. But as any good behavioral scientist knows, the studies reflect average trends, not any one person's or family's specific situation or needs. I love any advice that leaves readers with a sense that it's 100% wise to take it all with a grain of salt and figure out whether the advice suits you/your family.
Thank you! Yes, I love the wise voices out there like Emily Oster, Melinda Wenner Moyer, Cara Goodwin and more that emphasize the nuances along with what we know may be helpful. I'll admit that prior to having kids I was probably too strongly attached to the idea that science knew best and that there were very clear "right" choices. I was perhaps unprepared for how the real life translation would actually look or more like flop...but in turn that has only made me more passionate about empowering families to find ways to meet their unique needs.
I am a huge fan of each of those writers for the same reason! Data is so useful, but we need the freedom (and encouragement) to be able to tailor it to our individual circumstances.
Absolutely!
I'd love to know more about the correlations between meal times and mental health outcomes. Great article, Kathryn!
https://open.substack.com/pub/parentingtranslator/p/can-routines-make-parenting-a-little?r=2ao7s2&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
The data is correlational but in the above linked article from Cara Goodwin, PhD (Parenting Translator), she has links to some of the papers in the section where she speaks about family dinner as a routine.(She does great summaries and links the papers, which is so helpful) The Family Dinner Project is another resource. As with all correlational findings it becomes hard to isolate what exactly we are seeing benefit from and it's likely there may be other ways to get some of those benefits in other contexts dependent on the constraints of the family. I am glad you enjoyed the article!
I really enjoyed this article! It’s something I’ve totally gotten caught up in. I was raised in a *very* different environment than what we have in the West. So for me at least, I’ve got the inherent understanding that doing things differently isn’t bad and making sure a child feels loved goes a long way (especially in forgiving parenting mistakes). To answer your question though, I think parenting advice feels good when it comes with confirmation bias 😜
You are right, it can feel good to have the feeling of I am right...haha. There are many ways to raise a child and it is helpful to have some perspective on that, what a helpful insight to have in your parenting adventures.