Also - my oldest is not an athlete. She does not like organized sports. She asked to try basketball and sat on the gym floor so we pulled her out after two attempts with a lot of tears on everyone's part (okay mainly mine) because of the sunk cost fallacy! The worry about her not having "team experiences" is negated by the fact that we have our Saturday and Sunday mornings free...for now...I have two more coming up behind her that will probably like sports! ha!
It's a numbers game, right? I know for myself I do find there is comfort in having 4 because when the older kids don't want to do certain things, there is still a possibility the others will want to...but free weekend mornings are pretty amazing too.
Ugh the sunk cost fallacy is my Achilles' heel. I feel like I'm gambling... surely one more time will be the one that lands? The one where I strike gold? And then I'm reminded of this quote: "'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." Basically, I'm an insane gambler who has no idea what I'm doing 🙃 My kid is soooo lucky 😂
Great post, Kathryn. From my own experience and that of other parents, I can say that I try to move away from the word 'quitting'. As you pointed out, it may make you feel like a 'quitter', and thus, like you're giving up on your kids. Instead, I talk about the concept of 'letting go' (you mentioned that as well in your post). It involves noticing where the pressure is coming from and reflecting: is that something our children really need? And learning to let go – starting from small things and moving into bigger ones.
Yes, letting go is a helpful reframe. I really appreciated Annie Duke's book mentioned in the piece because she talks a lot about our cultural perceptions of what quitting means and her book attempts to reframe the concept. As someone who has really struggled with quitting things, even not finishing books I don't like, I like getting comfortable with term in a new way. But yes people should always embrace the language that will support them best.
I know that I am more open to trying new experiences if I know I can quit or change later, and I know my kids are more open to trying new things, knowing that they can quit or dislike something at the end of the trial period and it is fine with us. We use the experiment mindset a lot, especially when we are trying to reach a win-win resolution.
This year, I was really excited that my kid was going to be able to ride the school bus as he transitioned to middle school. It would provide a chance for him to grow in independence, reduce the car trips we take, support a community resource, free up more of my time, etc. And he hated it! He had legitimate reasons for it being a bad experience and it was starting and ending his school day with a half hour of misery. It was really hard for me to give up on the idea that he wasn't going to ride the bus all the time, but once the trial period was up, we negotiated a solution. I would take him in the car 50% of the time and he would ride his bike/the bus/walk/carpool 50% of the time. (School is 2.5 miles away and I don't have other obligations that would prevent me from taking him.) He's not thrilled with the idea that next school year we'll start with another trial period--but things might be different, and we won't know until we've had the experience.
Yes, we use a lot of trial periods, too! It's so helpful and takes the pressure off. It's also helpful in sorting through what was and wasn't working so we know for future decisions.
You have NO idea how timely this post is! I'm sending this to my friend immediately. We're having the discussion of when to let a kid quit an activity they absolutely hate and it's making the entire family stressed out and anxious. I think we're stuck in the 80's parenting of NEVER SURRENDER (Thank you, Cory Hart) and worried about what lessons we're instilling if we let them quit or force them to stay. We're all over the gambit! This is SOOOOOOO wonderful as always, Kathryn! Thank you!
Great comments here on another excellent piece, Kathryn. When I was little my sister and I convinced our parents to let us try clogging. It is not cheap. We were not good. Fortunately we all quickly realized clogging was not our calling and we moved on to the next. My parents were very good at letting go and I am grateful I had them to learn from - it is HARD to remember those lessons in the midst of raising three littles though! This piece was a very helpful reminder. I also particularly appreciate that you shared "Welcome to Holland," which I know well as a mother of a kiddo with Down syndrome but it is a universal piece and I am glad you put it here for others to read. Bonus, got to enjoy a nice HOT coffee while reading. :)
Have been a quitter in your parenthood? Any words of wisdom? Leave a comment.
Also - my oldest is not an athlete. She does not like organized sports. She asked to try basketball and sat on the gym floor so we pulled her out after two attempts with a lot of tears on everyone's part (okay mainly mine) because of the sunk cost fallacy! The worry about her not having "team experiences" is negated by the fact that we have our Saturday and Sunday mornings free...for now...I have two more coming up behind her that will probably like sports! ha!
It's a numbers game, right? I know for myself I do find there is comfort in having 4 because when the older kids don't want to do certain things, there is still a possibility the others will want to...but free weekend mornings are pretty amazing too.
Ugh the sunk cost fallacy is my Achilles' heel. I feel like I'm gambling... surely one more time will be the one that lands? The one where I strike gold? And then I'm reminded of this quote: "'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." Basically, I'm an insane gambler who has no idea what I'm doing 🙃 My kid is soooo lucky 😂
Insane gambler, also known as parent...sounds about right to me?
💯
Great post, Kathryn. From my own experience and that of other parents, I can say that I try to move away from the word 'quitting'. As you pointed out, it may make you feel like a 'quitter', and thus, like you're giving up on your kids. Instead, I talk about the concept of 'letting go' (you mentioned that as well in your post). It involves noticing where the pressure is coming from and reflecting: is that something our children really need? And learning to let go – starting from small things and moving into bigger ones.
Yes, letting go is a helpful reframe. I really appreciated Annie Duke's book mentioned in the piece because she talks a lot about our cultural perceptions of what quitting means and her book attempts to reframe the concept. As someone who has really struggled with quitting things, even not finishing books I don't like, I like getting comfortable with term in a new way. But yes people should always embrace the language that will support them best.
I know that I am more open to trying new experiences if I know I can quit or change later, and I know my kids are more open to trying new things, knowing that they can quit or dislike something at the end of the trial period and it is fine with us. We use the experiment mindset a lot, especially when we are trying to reach a win-win resolution.
This year, I was really excited that my kid was going to be able to ride the school bus as he transitioned to middle school. It would provide a chance for him to grow in independence, reduce the car trips we take, support a community resource, free up more of my time, etc. And he hated it! He had legitimate reasons for it being a bad experience and it was starting and ending his school day with a half hour of misery. It was really hard for me to give up on the idea that he wasn't going to ride the bus all the time, but once the trial period was up, we negotiated a solution. I would take him in the car 50% of the time and he would ride his bike/the bus/walk/carpool 50% of the time. (School is 2.5 miles away and I don't have other obligations that would prevent me from taking him.) He's not thrilled with the idea that next school year we'll start with another trial period--but things might be different, and we won't know until we've had the experience.
Yes, we use a lot of trial periods, too! It's so helpful and takes the pressure off. It's also helpful in sorting through what was and wasn't working so we know for future decisions.
You have NO idea how timely this post is! I'm sending this to my friend immediately. We're having the discussion of when to let a kid quit an activity they absolutely hate and it's making the entire family stressed out and anxious. I think we're stuck in the 80's parenting of NEVER SURRENDER (Thank you, Cory Hart) and worried about what lessons we're instilling if we let them quit or force them to stay. We're all over the gambit! This is SOOOOOOO wonderful as always, Kathryn! Thank you!
Thank you Shelly! I love it when the stars align and something hits at the right time.
Great comments here on another excellent piece, Kathryn. When I was little my sister and I convinced our parents to let us try clogging. It is not cheap. We were not good. Fortunately we all quickly realized clogging was not our calling and we moved on to the next. My parents were very good at letting go and I am grateful I had them to learn from - it is HARD to remember those lessons in the midst of raising three littles though! This piece was a very helpful reminder. I also particularly appreciate that you shared "Welcome to Holland," which I know well as a mother of a kiddo with Down syndrome but it is a universal piece and I am glad you put it here for others to read. Bonus, got to enjoy a nice HOT coffee while reading. :)
I love "Welcome to Holland", too. I also read it in the context of having neurodivergent kids but it is absolutely universal! And yay for hot coffee!