Jan 29·edited Jan 29Liked by Kathryn Barbash, PsyD
I can relate to this SO much. As a young mother, I tried so hard to stack up. As I've gotten older and become more secure in my parenting style -- and generally given fewer f*cks about what other people think -- I've learned so much about myself. I am not an "arranger" by nature, which means I make a lousy party host and which means that I find tasks like making goody bags both stressful and unenjoyable. This may mean I don't stack up to social notions about what mothers are "supposed" to be good at and enjoy, but of course, it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom.
And OMG, the endless crap that finds its way into our house! I recently counted 62 hotwheels in my son's toy bucket, and I don't remember buying a single one of them. I don't begrudge any parent who loves making goody bags, but I wish they were the exception, not the expectation!
Absolutely! I too have learned that there are certain things that are just not for me and I really do not enjoy, which impacts how I show up. And now I don't do them and it is so much better!
Yikes I mean I get the sweet meaning behind it but it’s also just making little mad consumers out of them. In my kids school they have ‘red day’ for valentines where they all wear something red and they make cards for their parents. Basic but good
It's definitely influenced by the culture of the school/community. It's less crazy now that my kids are older and in the public school. Preschool was intense.
I think I come across as a crafty mom because I like to make stuff but I refuse to burden myself and others with party favors. We didn't give out favors at our wedding (saw too many jars of honey and Jordan almonds go to waste at friend's weddings) and we haven't done goody bags for the first three birthday parties. If someone questioned my parenting over goody bags, that's on them. Just say no to giving junk no one wants!
Even for birthday presents for other kids we give gift cards, which I know some people don't like but we want to respect the other family and how they manage stuff.
We write on the invite "no gift please! We live in a small row house!" and the majority of our friends and family have respected that. We give them the option to donate to the college fund, which I know some people think is tacky, but again, oh well!
Yes, we have done a no presents declaration when we have had parties, only gifts from immediate family. Especially because we have 4 kids, so the multiplication factor, it gets out of control too fast!
I love the analogy of expectations being like a layer cake- that really resonated with me. My daughter was fortunate to have help from her grandmother in making a box to hold her Valentines Day cards- I remember being impressed by how elaborate it was. Now that my daughter is a bit older, I am relieved that she was able to participate in a whole more inclusive way than I got to experience in my childhood.
My school experience of Valentine’s Day was truly old school.
There were no organised “everyone gets one” gifts or cards at all. We were left to give only what we wanted to who we wanted.
In practice this meant that every year the cool and attractive kids got stuff and the rest of us got nothing. I’d give a card to Hannah, she’d give nothing back.
Sounds harsh? No it is real life. It set me up for the next 20 years of rejection! 😬
I love that you posted about this because it brings up so many complicated feelings in me and I feel absolved after having read this! I never want my kid to feel left out but I'm sorry, I just cannot opt into the crap these little holidays demand.
Yes, it does open the door as kids get older as to why we may or may not be doing what their friends are doing. We choose the simplest option and then we handle it from there. Although this year one of my kids didn't want to have to craft the "mailbox", he said he'll just bring a bag. And it's helpful to not make a big deal about it, he was comfortable opting out and I have to say I am proud he's doing what works for him.
Ugh, oh yes one of my kiddos had a lot of food allergies when he was young so made the cake and there was one year we decided to have an enormous party (which we have learned our lesson), it was so stressful!
What I love about this post is that it can be applied to so many things. This year I happen to be a mom who likes crafting together and planned far enough ahead to do it - next year, who knows? But I am not the mom who cooks dinner, I’m not the mom who throws birthday parties, I’m not the mom who dresses the kids in cute clothes. The list could go on and on. The feeling that you “should” be doing it (and enjoying it!) is so relatable. And a refreshing reminder that we all have those things. Thanks so much for this ❤️
I am so glad you connected with this Allie! Yes, there is such a long list of things that are shoulds and just don't match up with our needs, interests and values. And you highlight a great point about timing--sometimes you do have the bandwidth and sometimes you don't, and both are okay!
Yeah I definitely already bought the Frozen cards that come with the pencils too! Even if I didn’t work at her school I would not be the crafty mom. It brings me no joy. I am glad I work with babies now because I don’t have to navigate the question of what should I get the kids in my class question too (I remember giving them Paw Patrol valentines when I worked with 3s in 2020, but I went on vacation the week of Valentine’s Day in 2021 and was a floater at the time so I didn’t know what to do with that anyway since I didn’t have one class; I have been with the babies since November of 2021 nearly exclusively so that has made this holiday easier). I don’t mind some candy and little stuff all that much, but we just end up throwing it out a month later when it breaks (except for pencils which I do like!)
My husband has never been big on Valentine’s Day at all either so maybe that is part of my attitude as well. We always get each other a card and go out to eat at some point during the week, but it’s not a super special thing for us.
My grandpa does send me a heart shaped box of candy yearly which is a thoughtful tradition I enjoy. I remember getting it in college and enjoying my chocolate while watching the Winter Olympics in 2010.
I can relate to this SO much. As a young mother, I tried so hard to stack up. As I've gotten older and become more secure in my parenting style -- and generally given fewer f*cks about what other people think -- I've learned so much about myself. I am not an "arranger" by nature, which means I make a lousy party host and which means that I find tasks like making goody bags both stressful and unenjoyable. This may mean I don't stack up to social notions about what mothers are "supposed" to be good at and enjoy, but of course, it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom.
And OMG, the endless crap that finds its way into our house! I recently counted 62 hotwheels in my son's toy bucket, and I don't remember buying a single one of them. I don't begrudge any parent who loves making goody bags, but I wish they were the exception, not the expectation!
Absolutely! I too have learned that there are certain things that are just not for me and I really do not enjoy, which impacts how I show up. And now I don't do them and it is so much better!
Yikes I mean I get the sweet meaning behind it but it’s also just making little mad consumers out of them. In my kids school they have ‘red day’ for valentines where they all wear something red and they make cards for their parents. Basic but good
Oh I would so much prefer that!
Culture shock here -so you’re telling me on Valentine’s Day every kid in the class gives out a party bag??? Ug just no to that
It's definitely influenced by the culture of the school/community. It's less crazy now that my kids are older and in the public school. Preschool was intense.
I think I come across as a crafty mom because I like to make stuff but I refuse to burden myself and others with party favors. We didn't give out favors at our wedding (saw too many jars of honey and Jordan almonds go to waste at friend's weddings) and we haven't done goody bags for the first three birthday parties. If someone questioned my parenting over goody bags, that's on them. Just say no to giving junk no one wants!
Even for birthday presents for other kids we give gift cards, which I know some people don't like but we want to respect the other family and how they manage stuff.
We write on the invite "no gift please! We live in a small row house!" and the majority of our friends and family have respected that. We give them the option to donate to the college fund, which I know some people think is tacky, but again, oh well!
Yes, we have done a no presents declaration when we have had parties, only gifts from immediate family. Especially because we have 4 kids, so the multiplication factor, it gets out of control too fast!
I love the analogy of expectations being like a layer cake- that really resonated with me. My daughter was fortunate to have help from her grandmother in making a box to hold her Valentines Day cards- I remember being impressed by how elaborate it was. Now that my daughter is a bit older, I am relieved that she was able to participate in a whole more inclusive way than I got to experience in my childhood.
I am so glad you connected with this piece!
My school experience of Valentine’s Day was truly old school.
There were no organised “everyone gets one” gifts or cards at all. We were left to give only what we wanted to who we wanted.
In practice this meant that every year the cool and attractive kids got stuff and the rest of us got nothing. I’d give a card to Hannah, she’d give nothing back.
Sounds harsh? No it is real life. It set me up for the next 20 years of rejection! 😬
Ouch Chris! That is rough.
Yeah well, I have 3 kids now, so I guess it worked out alright in the end! 🙃
I love that you posted about this because it brings up so many complicated feelings in me and I feel absolved after having read this! I never want my kid to feel left out but I'm sorry, I just cannot opt into the crap these little holidays demand.
Yes, it does open the door as kids get older as to why we may or may not be doing what their friends are doing. We choose the simplest option and then we handle it from there. Although this year one of my kids didn't want to have to craft the "mailbox", he said he'll just bring a bag. And it's helpful to not make a big deal about it, he was comfortable opting out and I have to say I am proud he's doing what works for him.
Excellent post! The layer cake metaphor was gold, especially after a hellish Friday night baking for my 2 year old's birthday party.
Ugh, oh yes one of my kiddos had a lot of food allergies when he was young so made the cake and there was one year we decided to have an enormous party (which we have learned our lesson), it was so stressful!
What I love about this post is that it can be applied to so many things. This year I happen to be a mom who likes crafting together and planned far enough ahead to do it - next year, who knows? But I am not the mom who cooks dinner, I’m not the mom who throws birthday parties, I’m not the mom who dresses the kids in cute clothes. The list could go on and on. The feeling that you “should” be doing it (and enjoying it!) is so relatable. And a refreshing reminder that we all have those things. Thanks so much for this ❤️
I am so glad you connected with this Allie! Yes, there is such a long list of things that are shoulds and just don't match up with our needs, interests and values. And you highlight a great point about timing--sometimes you do have the bandwidth and sometimes you don't, and both are okay!
Yeah I definitely already bought the Frozen cards that come with the pencils too! Even if I didn’t work at her school I would not be the crafty mom. It brings me no joy. I am glad I work with babies now because I don’t have to navigate the question of what should I get the kids in my class question too (I remember giving them Paw Patrol valentines when I worked with 3s in 2020, but I went on vacation the week of Valentine’s Day in 2021 and was a floater at the time so I didn’t know what to do with that anyway since I didn’t have one class; I have been with the babies since November of 2021 nearly exclusively so that has made this holiday easier). I don’t mind some candy and little stuff all that much, but we just end up throwing it out a month later when it breaks (except for pencils which I do like!)
My husband has never been big on Valentine’s Day at all either so maybe that is part of my attitude as well. We always get each other a card and go out to eat at some point during the week, but it’s not a super special thing for us.
My grandpa does send me a heart shaped box of candy yearly which is a thoughtful tradition I enjoy. I remember getting it in college and enjoying my chocolate while watching the Winter Olympics in 2010.
I do love a heart shaped box of candy :) Pencils all the way!