Imperfect traditions and playground kindness (for grown-ups)
It's Thursday newsletter time: Your unique family traditions, loving-kindness for the playground and some love-ly recommendations
The happenings that become something more
Several years ago I said, “Let’s get ice cream and go to a park” or something along these lines, who can really remember? It was the day before school was starting and we had some wound up kids and needed to DO something. So we went for ice cream. And a tradition was created, on the eve of the new school year we go for ice cream and enjoy it in a park. This will not always be but for now this something we cherish.
Tradition sometimes feels like a heavy word. There is a lot of pressure for parents when it comes to traditions. When you think about how some cultural and religious traditions have existed for thousands of years, that seems like a heavy expectation. Your family traditions are maybe smaller and sometimes only last for brief phases of life but it doesn’t make them less important.
In my experience our most sacred family traditions actually emerged with very little engineering or planning. They are not elaborate or rigid because they required flexibility so they could grow with us. Sometimes you don’t always know what your kids will attach to and so there is some trial and error. More often than not the things we thought might become a tradition fizzle out. For the things that stick, they kind of go like this: we did it once and then we did it again and it became something important and worth repeating. Parents can work really hard to make “magic” but the others involved have to decide that it is indeed magical (or at the very least enjoyable). Sometimes it’s just about ice cream—which can be magical too.
What about you? What are your traditions? Let’s chat in the comments about unique family traditions. There is nothing too small.
In Case You Missed It…
Check out Monday’s post about about trinkets, goodie bags, parental expectations and ringing in this Valentine’s day with kindness:
Your Weekly Mud Boot
The weekly offering of a practice or exercise to support you in your parenthood. Why Mud Boot? Mud boots can certainly make standing in the mud a little easier…
I have the official disclaimer at the bottom of the page but remember these are for educational purposes only and do not qualify as therapy.
A couple notes before you dive in
The below practice is based on loving-kindness meditation (also known as LKM or Metta meditation). It is about sending positive and kind thoughts to yourself and others. You can find out more about LKM and some of the benefits here or for a 10 minute loving-kindness meditation, check out this video with Sharon Salzberg here.
I love this particular practice because it is written for parents in our natural environment—the playground. But you can do this in a number of settings like a trampoline park or soccer practice. And if these settings don’t apply to your current season, you could do this anywhere there are people, like the DMV( who doesn’t need loving-kindness at the DMV?).
Guilt free zones and finding your phrases
I wanted to note that if any of the language is not a fit for you, please feel free to change it. I know for myself phrases that emphasize how precious something is, actually tend to hit a guilt button. Hey, maybe it’s just me but all the same I invite you to use words that work for you. The same goes for the actual phrases of loving-kindness, some examples of other options include: May I be peaceful, May I be well, May I be strong, or May I not lose my mind( I made that one).
Loving-kindness meditation on the playground
This is a practice from Dr. Susan Pollack’s Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself, about bringing LKM out into the wild. Please note some of this practice has been edited for brevity and the full practice can be found in Dr. Pollack’s book.
As you enter the playground, look around at the parents and children.
Start with connecting to your common humanity and interconnection with phrases of loving-kindness:
I, like every parent and child here, want to be free from inner and outer harm.
I, like every parent and child here, want to be happy.
I, like every parent and child here, want to be healthy.
I, like every parent and child here, want to live with ease.
As your child runs off to play, remain present; don’t reach for your phone to distract yourself. This time with your child is precious. It will pass before you know it.
Don’t interrupt the interaction by looking at your phone.
To deepen connection with your child, try wishing your child well as you watch them play.
May you be free from inner and outer harm
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you live with ease
Let’s say a conflict arises with another child or parent. Before engaging (if feasible/safe to do so), start wishing yourself well—May I be safe, May I be healthy, May I be happy, May I live with ease.
Pause take a breath or two.
Listen to what is happening with the other child or parent.
Rather than reacting, see if you respond by saying to yourself, “This is not an enemy; this another soldier in a foxhole having a a hard day.”
See how this perspective can help you manage or deescalate the conflict.
Repeat in the various playgrounds of your life as often as needed.
Photo by Joe Zlomek on Unsplash
A phrase to put in your pocket
The line at the end of this practice is in reference to a saying from psychologist and meditation teacher, Tara Brach: “This is not an enemy; this is another soldier in a foxhole having a hard day.” A helpful phrase to have in your back pocket all by itself when you have a difficult encounter on the playground or anywhere else.
And some lovely article recommendations for you
As mentioned in the Monday post, a collection of books on Valentine’s day is one of our family traditions. Here are some great recommendations from
of Can We Read?This article from
discusses the nature of misunderstanding and conflict:“Understanding misunderstanding is the first step to exiting divisive conflict. When we can begin to consider that our own subjective experience does not represent truth in its totality, we are more likely to stop reflexively vilifying and instead to grow curious.”
For any writers out there, this article from
, brings elements of narrative therapy and self-compassion to bring more kindness to yourself in your writing process.
Disclaimer: The content on Mindful Mom in the Mud posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD on the Instagram account (@mindfulmominthemud), Youtube Channel (@mindfulinthemud) and newsletter (mindfulinthemud.substack.com) or any other medium or social media platform (the “information”) is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided by Mindful Mom in the Mud is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.
It's February 1st today and even though I am 41 years old, my dad still texts all my siblings and I "Rabbits Rabbits Rabbits" every first of the month, first thing in the am. It's a tiny thing, but it means so much.
Growing up one of our odd traditions was that on the morning of your birthday you sat on a chair stacked with cushions so you were the highest in the room while opening your presents ! I’m number 5 of 6 kids and still have no idea how this started!
My kids are still so young so we’re just seeing what sticks at this point, but this last Christmas we had so much fun started to create some Christmas traditions for our little family.