Gratitude for Dinner? How to Take In the Good Stuff
Using mindful awareness, savoring and acknowledgement to support a gratitude practice and no gratitude journals needed
For my dear friends and family who have been following along for awhile, this post may seem familiar. Not long ago I had a Wordpress blog in a dark corner of the internet, primarily read by my father (Hi Dad!) and so this piece is getting a new life here on Substack. I hope you will enjoy revisiting it and if its your first view I hope you enjoy it too!
Gratitude is the topic today, but this is not about starting a gratitude journal. Don’t get me wrong if you find benefit from a gratitude journal, power to you. Research has shown that writing in a gratitude journal several days a week has been shown to be helpful. I have done the gratitude journal myself many times, but more on that later. Journals aside, a few months ago I started to think about lost opportunities for gratitude. It started with my children’s routine well-child visits with their pediatrician. From a physical health perspective, my kids were doing well. There was discussion about different supports we were sorting out for the school year but overall things were going okay which was great. However, I really only realized that they were great until a day or two later. I had moved on so quickly and checked the box done. There was no reflection on their health (or the fact that they navigated a doctor’s appointment without bouncing off the walls). It hit me that there was an opportunity for gratitude there that was quickly skipped over. After reflecting on how thankful I am for their overall health, the thought occurred to me about how many missed opportunities there are for gratitude every day.
Gratitude Journals
Back to journals. As I mentioned I have done gratitude journals in the past, so the idea of a gratitude practice is familiar. I was first introduced in graduate school. During a positive psychology course, I started a gratitude journal as part of a class assignment. I found the practice helpful and continued it well after. At the time along with the stresses of being a graduate student, my mother had terminal cancer. The process of expressing gratitude most days even for the smallest moment were the little bandaids I could apply. Noting a laugh with a friend, a satisfying run on the Charles River or savoring my daily coffee was a comfort during a tumultuous time. I dutifully wrote my little moments in a notebook by my bed. It became a ritual to hold onto in what felt like a free fall. I cannot recall when or why I eventually stopped but I am willing to guess it just faded away as my daily rhythm eventually changed. In my post-graduate, young family phase of life, I did attempt to re-engage with gratitude journaling but it was always very short-lived. So many well-being interventions add yet another thing to do and even though it had been helpful in the past, it just wasn’t happening.
The journal would sit next to my bed, designed to the be the “cue”. At this point I was pretty good at finding content for the journal but it was the doing that was the problem. Already so tired at the end of the day, the idea of doing one more thing felt like too much. I would write in the journal for days, maybe a month at best and then it would start to collect dust. And in a predictable cycle, I would become motivated to try again due to a seasonal transition like the new year or the stress level would increase. Feeling pulled by a “should”, I would attempt again. I have never doubted the power of gratitude but it appeared the act of journaling was the problem. Eventually I attempted to ditch the act of writing and do a simple review of the “good stuff” in my mind at night. I would set up a “cue” with a reminder on my phone but much like the journaling, the reminder would buzz away to no avail. The heaviness of doing one more thing, even when it was only to think some thoughts was just not going to happen. So, what have I learned from this? Stop trying to do anything at night. Frankly, this is not a gigantic revelation given that as a teen I would self-initiate a 9:00 PM bedtime much to the amusement of my friends. Night is not my best time. I have learned to accept my evening limits but it doesn’t quite solve the puzzle of how to practice gratitude.
When I read Pooja Lakshmin, MD’s book, Real Self Care (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included) I appreciated how Lakshmin describes the practice of gratitude— “as not as counting your blessings but as a form of digestion”. The following passage from her book further explains the benefits of gratitude:
“When we pay attention to the fruits of what we have in our life already, whether that is the small pleasures like our morning cup of coffee or bigger achievements like a job promotion or a healthy family-we actively engage with what is real and true in our world. And the reality is that for all of us, there is good along with the bad—no matter how burned out or drained we feel in the moment. The purpose of gratitude in this context doesn’t involve toxic positivity or self-delusion. Rather, gratitude is a practice to tune your attention to what you have, so that you can then go on to appreciate what future good will come your way.”
I appreciate the frame of “digesting the good”. There is something about the idea of digesting that feels available, maybe because we already digest multiple times a day in the literal sense. I eat every day, multiple times a day, so I can also “digest” some good stuff too. Using digestion as our guide, we can highlight helpful elements of a gratitude practice. In this season of life this is how I am practicing gratitude. Three elements that can support gratitude are mindful awareness, savoring and acknowledgement.
Mindful Awareness: If you can’t see the “good stuff”, how can you eat it?
Attempting to find some kid shoes in a dark car in a dark garage, I was feeling around bumping into things. Then I thought to myself-- just use the darn flashlight in my pocket (phone). With a light, I quickly found the shoes. Your flashlight is mindful awareness, without it it’s pretty darn hard to see the good stuff. A breath, a pause or an intention can help you bring your attention to what’s happening in the present moment and closer to seeing the whole meal. You can take a pause later to reflect on the day’s happenings using this flashlight of attention. When focusing the flashlight you don’t need to find the extraordinary or spectacular, the small stuff is worth your attention. In fact the small stuff sometimes has more utility for a meaningful gratitude practice. A smile at a child, a moment of laughter, a completed load of laundry or a warm meal can all be more than enough.
Savor: Chewing and swallowing are required
It does take a little bit more than just seeing the good thing and saying “yep that thing happened today”. From a brain perspective just a little bit of savoring can help that “good stuff” stick. Taking in the feelings of the moment, noting the sensory experience or replaying the moment later in your mind helps it stick around longer. Chewing supports healthy digestion.
Acknowledge: Take a minute before you get up from the table
Ok, you saw the food, you ate it and now you run off to the next thing? If you jump up onto to the next thing you may forget what you just ate. It only takes a minute to appreciate. You can throw in a simple acknowledgement of how or why this is something you are grateful for. Acknowledgement provides an opportunity to connect it to your values. As Lakshmin explains in Real Self Care (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths not Included, “…by taking the time to explicitly name our values, we can use them to inform future decisions so that we are setting ourselves up for more experiences that are truly nourishing.”
With gratitude, there is still room on the plate for it all
Gratitude practice is not about platitudes or only thinking about the positive. You can have the hard stuff and the good stuff on the same plate, both can have the attention they deserve. You can be present with the struggle, give yourself the compassion you deserve and also appreciate the good stuff and give it the moment it deserves to be felt and appreciated.
On an episode of The Way Out is In Podcast (Episode #55 Spiritual Journey: No Quick Fixes) with Brother Phap Huu and Jo Confino they capture this concept well from the Buddhist perspective:
“Suffering, as a noble truth, teaches us the values of life and allows us to know what peace is. If you only live in peace, you don’t have gratitude for the wonderful conditions that you have. But if we meet suffering, it reminds us of the life that we’ve experienced and the life that we want to create together.”
So gratitude is a good thing. I will keep trying but not with a journal or phone reminder. I am bringing it with me, out into the wild. I will leave you with another excerpt from the The Way Out Is In Podcast:
“The Buddha said happiness and suffering are two truths that always go together. As long as there’s that thick mud, there can be some flowers there.”
If we only look at the mud, we will never see the flowers. I will be looking at the mud and flowers, but only before 9:00 PM.
References in Today’s Post:
Real Self Care (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included) by Pooja Lakshmin, MD
The Way Out is In Podcast, hosted by Brother Phap Huu and Jo Confino, Episode #55 Spiritual Journey: No Quick Fixes
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